I had gone into a local Starbucks one morning just before Christmas for a latte, and a welcome opportunity to work away from the office. This location is like most, with a comfortable seating arrangement including community tables that can accommodate up to eight people. I took a seat at the end of one of these tables and acknowledged the man seated nearest me. We were both seated on the same side.
I noticed that while he only needed one seating space, he had arranged his personal effects in manner that stretched down most of the table partially encroaching on my end. In front of him was his computer then, in order, his brief case, a key set followed by what appeared to be a “daily planner”, and the layout was completed with his baseball cap at the end of the table closest to me. Awkward as it was, there still remained enough room for me to sit comfortably without disturbing the wide swath of personal space he had created for himself.
After working for a while I got up to use the restroom. When I returned his baseball cap had moved uncomfortably closer to my end of the table. He had also turned his chair in a way that oriented his body more in my direction allowing him to make eye contact with me. Occasionally, as I worked, I would notice that he was consciously watching me.
The store was very busy as I got up again o refresh my coffee. I glanced around for some seating options, but there were none. When I returned to the table the bill of the baseball cap was now propped against my computer screen. The man had also moved his chair closer my end of the table. An otherwise friendly environment was becoming very oppressive.
As I returned to work I moved the computer screen forward a little. The baseball cap moved with it, but he didn’t. The situation had become very stressful, and I was feeling increasingly annoyed. I was about to say something that I would certainly regret, but I was then reminded of the principle of THINK.
“THINK”
The Principle of “Think” is a simple acronym that has bailed me out of many difficult situations, both in business and my personal life. I don’t know when I first heard this, but here is my take on it.
“T” is for True
Is what you are saying true? We often hear the expression, “Simply tell the truth”. Oscar Wilde the 20th century British playwright and poet said, “The pure and simple truth is rarely pure and never simple.” If it is not true, will you repeat it. If you aren’t sure, then should you say it? How many lives have been turned upside down because someone repeated something that they thought was true but didn’t know for sure. Your words can hurt. Your words can irreparably break the heart and burden the soul. Shouldn’t we be the careful stewards of the truth through the words we use?
“H” is for Helpful
Or, conversely, hurtful. Words can leave a deeper scar than any kind of silent repentance can heal. Is what you are going to say intended to be helpful; will it offer hope, or does it have the potential of being hurtful? Will it help whomever you are speaking to? Will your words bring them much needed aid, or will it result in despair. So, even if it meets the first test of being true . . . will your words bring healing? The answer is often difficult to find. Particularly during trying times. Perhaps we can take a lesson from Psalm 139, as David laments . . .
“Search me, O God, and know my heart; Try me, and know my anxieties; And see if there is any wicked way in me, And lead me in the way everlasting.”
We need to look no further than Jeremiah 29:11 for the answer to David’s prayer.In Jeremiah the reply comes in the form of a divine promise:
“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”
While these verses are taken from the Bible, the teachings and liturgy of all beliefs, religious and secular, are based on the promise and contemplation for the conveyance of help and hope to others.
“I” is for “Inspiration
Will your words inspire? Will they cause someone to be inspired, or create an inspirational outcome.
“The Escalator Story”
A number of years ago my wife Kathleen and I were approaching the down escalator in a major department store. As we got closer I could see a young man, perhaps 14 years old, attempting to step on the track. He was big for his age appearing to be close to six feet tall. His effort to step on the escalator was awkward, and by the time we arrived he had already made several unsuccessful attempts to take the first step. We waited for a moment as he stepped away.
As we made the turn at the bottom I glanced back to the top of the escalator. The young man was, again, attempting to make his way. Extending his foot once or twice, then repeatedly drawing back to let others pass. I watched for moment, then I told my wife that I couldn’t leave him there. He was obviously afraid, and appeared to be alone.
As I approached I took his arm in an attempt to reassure him that I intended to be helpful. My presence was unexpected and he recoiled violently while pushing me away. Others were watching by now and I felt clumsy and embarrassed. Suddenly I was the one intimidated, and I was about to act in an a manner intended to reclaim my dignity. My first instinct was to assert my well deserved adult authority by insisting that his fears were unjustified, and that he needed to grow up – get on the stairs, and go down. However, I quickly realized that his fear was justified, and I was the one that needed to grow up.
At that moment I looked downstairs and there was a woman at the bottom of the stairs looking up with this rather forlorn expression of frustration on her face. I had it figured out by then. This wasn’t the first time his mother was waiting at the bottom of the stairs. By this time there were a number of people waiting for the escalator to clear, and the young man was shaking violently. I apologizzed for startling him, and suggested that he take my arm with one hand, the handrail with the other, and we would step on the escalator together. I asked him to trust me, and reassured him that he would be alright. I moved closer, he reached out and we started down together.
As we descended I asked him if he was alright. Trembling visibly with fear he said, “I am so scared.” We reached the bottom and stepped off together. The woman thanked me, and I was joined by my wife.
It was only a moment later when I felt a tap on my shoulder. It was the young man’s mother. She explained that their family had spent years trying to get him to take the escalator, but he would only take the stairs and, very reluctantly, the elevator. She said that they had tried everything that had been suggested. She asked, “What did you say to him”. I replied by saying, “I just told him that I thought you would be proud of him.” I can’t really describe the look on her face. She thanked me again, and we said goodby.
It was an extraordinary “kirotic” moment. An inspirational moment of opportunity set up by unforeseen circumstances. I learned a very valuable lesson that day. I found, once again, that I had to be more patient in response to adverse events The young man discovered that he could trust someone that he didn’t know. And, more important, a mother discovered how much her son loved her. Another kirotic moment. They happen to all of us every day. Look for them. You will have one, too.
“N” stands for Necessary
Is it really necessary to say anything? Or, do you simply feel the need to say something? Many times things we say are not necessary, but we choose to say them anyway.
The Internship Story
During my last year of college I had the privilege of receiving an internship invitation from one of the largest advertising and public relations firms in Los Angeles. The firm had a number of large clients in the real estate industry, and this was my first introduction to the business in which I would spend most of my life. The place was crammed with high energy and enormously talented people, and I was anxious to make a lasting impression. My mentor was one of the agency’s principle power brokers, so I was definitely on the right horse. However, it was during a quarterly strategic meeting when I suddenly fell off a great ride.
It was no secret the agency was failing to meet the “new client” objectives and the Managing Director chose that moment to fire an account executive on the spot while trumpeting, “there would be more if sales didn’t improve”.
It was very threatening moment, and very embarrassing for everyone. His arrogant and contemptible tirade brought the meeting to an abrupt end as he bellowed “good salesmen are good closers”. We all sat quietly with buttoned-up reverence as the man stood to leave. Then, I gushed, “No. I disagree.” All of a sudden I felt very much alone, but continued. “I believe great sales people are great leaders.” Unable to keep my mouth shut I added, “Perhaps the agency’s leadership model has not yet risen to the level of its creative ability.” I had just told and indusgry icon, and one of the celebrated business personalities in the City of Los Angeles, that his leadership style “sucked”. He never turned to acknowledge my comment, and by the end of the day I was no longer associated with the company. Were my comments necessary? Others can decide. But, I have never looked back with regret.
Back To The Starbuck’s Story
Was I reallly allowing myself to be threatened by a baseball cap? I felt that I needed to say something to this man. But, was a confrontation really necessary? I believed, however, my comments could serve a useful purpose. And, remember thinking, “I wonder where that cap is now”. It was still uncertain as I went back inside. But, when I returned the man, and all his “stuff”, was gone. The crisis had passed.
Patients during moments of extreme stress is always rewarded. Shouldn’t we stop and think about the necessity of the act before we engage? Mark Twain said, “The right word may be effective, but no word was ever as effective” as a rightly timed pause to reflect.”
K” is for Kndness
Does our speech and actions reflect kindness? Would our co-workers, neighbors, friends and family characterize us as a kind person based our words and deeds? Unlike Truth, Helpful, Inspiration and Necessity, Kindness does not rely on a subjective response. Kindness does not require a conscious decision, or deliberate act. I once heard it said, “Kindness is a language which the deaf can hear and the blind can see.” Makes sense to me. If it meets those expectations, it probably is an act of kindness.